Truth: This post is solely for my own reflection and healing process.
Truth: This post is accompanied with sadness and pain.
Truth: I found out I was pregnant with our second baby on February 23, 2012.
Truth: On that following Tuesday, the 28th, we settled on our new house and made our awaited move.
Truth: I tried my hardest not to “over do it,” during this time of change; for my biggest fear was always in the back of my mind.
Truth: On Thursday, March 15th, Della and I enjoyed the first signs of spring as we played at the park and ate lunch outside in the sun.
Truth: On that same Thursday afternoon, I found my world completely turned upside down. We went from the park to the ER in what seemed like less than a second. We were sent home 3 hours later in the pouring rain with hopes of change.
Truth: That following Saturday, March 17th, I had a miscarriage.
and the hardest truth for me to wrap my head around:
I am not pregnant.
I was debating whether or not I should share this on my blog. This is a very personal subject which is still so very raw and hard for me to deal with, let alone talk about out loud. But you see, that’s why I needed to write this post. Whether I let you in to read and hear my hurt or not; I just needed to get this out.
I am not at peace with this yet. In fact, I struggle with it daily. Most days it’s easy for me to disguise the pain – which has been the best way for me to cope, but it isn’t helping me deal with how I truly feel inside and it most definitely isn’t helping me come to an acceptance and a peace with what happened.
I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. I HAD A MISCARRIAGE.
If this hasn’t happend to you, you probably don’t realize the intensity and the difficulty of saying those 4 words. I’ll put it simply and bluntly for you: It sucks.
As I sit here with warm tears rolling down my face I can’t help but come to the realization that I will probably never be comfortable saying those 4 words until I am holding yet another perfect newborn in my arms again.
There is no more truth that I can say in this moment other than that I am thankful for the beautiful wispy-haired daddy-look-a-like that we were blessed with 24 months ago, but I am still sad. I am hurting. And it’s going to take some time for me to overcome this.